A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
