I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
