god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
