So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize