Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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