hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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