yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I want you more than these girls want KFC
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
