k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
