I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
