The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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