you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
