If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
