No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
