life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
