you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
