I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
