I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
