Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
