return my video game
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
