saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Even my vagina gasped.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dick very happy bro
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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