She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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