Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
