apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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