So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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