I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
