Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
