I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
