She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
