barbara walters just said penis...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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