i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
