You made me cry and you don't even care
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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