she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize