Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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