WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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