my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
