So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize