No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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