thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize