Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize