Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
