Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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