omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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