I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize