I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
