you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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