My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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