the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
