I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
