Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
