I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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