I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize