they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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