Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
