Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
