Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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