He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
