My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
