I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
