I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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