just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize