i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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