uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
