She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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