I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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