remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
