I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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