my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize