If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
