I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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